On My Way Home

Heidi Fürer, Switzerland

During my first visit to India in 1981, happy circumstances lead me to Amma. What I had heard from a close friend about Her had made me curious but sceptical.

I became even more sceptical on the evening with Amma when I saw her in the temple dressed in Krishna clothes and crown. If she were the embodiment of love, as my friend had described, why did she have to dress up like this?

I decided to take my time and watch what was happening, and how I felt about it. I noticed how much the people who had experienced Ammas darshan were touched or even changed by it. The longer I watched, the more fascinated I was by Ammas strong radiance.

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Finally, I found myself standing in line. When I reached Amma, She looked deeply and with profound love into my eyes. This seemed to be a gaze from eternity. Time stood still. I knew Amma recognized me instantly and was looking clearly into the deepest corners of my being. I noticed with surprise that I could let this happen without resistance. There was complete acceptance without any judgment in Her gaze. Her gaze was so intense and full of love that I had to close my eyes. I felt Ammas finger press lightly between my eyebrows, and my inner being began to widen into an unknown consciousness and light. At the same time, I had the feeling that all the heavy stones I seemed to have been carrying in a rucksack on my back were tumbling away from me. The way to my true inner home and place of belonging suddenly became clear and free. I knew all at once that I need no longer be afraid of anything. I was on my way back home to that light and to my roots. A wish appeared like a prayer, that all human beings might have this experience. Ammas finger was still on my forehead, tears were running down my face, and my thinking had stopped; only the depth, the wideness and the light became more and more intense until I felt that I could bear no more of this bliss. In the same instant, Amma lifted Her finger from my forehead. She wiped away my tears. Somehow, I managed to find a tree, and sat under it with tears running down my cheeks for some more hours, washing away still more of the burdens and stones in my rucksack. After a few more days with Amma, it was time for me to leave this paradise and go back to my old world, my children and a difficult marriage.

Life went on, but it was a new life, as I was constantly aware that Ammas love was protecting me on my journey. There were still difficulties and problems to solve, but they weighed much less. Sometimes, if I did not know how to go on, I would lay everything down at Ammas feet and feel Her loving support and help.

Some years later in 1987, Amma visited Switzerland for the first time and stayed in our house. She showered me with so much love that one day I said to Her, “I still have so many faults. Why don’t you scold me sometimes?”

Amma laughed and answered that I was not ready for that yet! I found it very hard to let Amma go after this visit. Noticing my grief, She walked into the garden and looked up at the sky. When my eyes followed Hers, I noticed a beautiful rainbow in the blue sky. (This happened again the following year.)

At the train station, I walked sadly by Amma’s side until we reached Her compartment near the end of a long train. She took my hand and began to sing. How did She know that was my favourite song?

Years later, my father died. My mother had been nursing him for a long time with great dedication. My father died while we were at the wedding of one of the grandchildren. My mother blamed herself for not being with him at the end. When she went to Amma for darshan some months later, Amma greeted her, saying, “Don’t be sad that you were not with your husband when he died. I was with him and he is fine!” We had not yet told Amma about my father’s death.

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I am still amazed that I had the good fortune to meet Her, and I wish that every human being may experience the deep, infinite love embodied in Amma.